Name: Alternative facts.
Age: Ten billion years old.
Appearance: The greatest, strongest, shiniest type of fact that has ever existed anywhere in the known and unknown universe, period.
That sounds like cobblers. No, you misunderstand. It’s not cobblers, it’s an alternative fact.
Sorry? You know, an alternative fact. See this picture of a horse? I want you to tell me what it is.
It’s a horse. No it isn’t. It’s a spaceship.
No, it’s a horse. You just told me it was a horse. But it’s a spaceship. Any idiot can see it’s a spaceship. It’s got four launching pads, and two cockpits at the front, and a lovely shiny mane.
Spaceships don’t have manes. The ones I’ve seen do. Listen, I’m not lying. I’m just presenting you with an alternative fact.
Seriously, I still don’t understand what this means. On Friday, Donald Trump became president of the US. Photos showed a smaller than average turnout for his inauguration. Then, on Saturday, his press secretary, Sean Spicer, told everyone: “This was the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration, period, both in person and around the globe,” which was a demonstrable lie.
Yes, I remember that. But then, in an attempt to brush away Spicer’s nonsense, Trump’s White House counsel, Kellyanne Conway, told NBC: “You’re saying it’s a falsehood and Sean Spicer ... gave alternative facts to that.”
So, an alternative fact is a lie. No! How dare you! It’s an alternative fact. You might perceive the truth one way, but it doesn’t mean that everyone will.
That’s terrifying, especially coming from the office of the president of the United States. It isn’t terrifying at all, silly! It’s just human nature. Look, give me a fact.
OK. The battle of Agincourt took place on Friday 25 October 1415 in Artois, France. And here’s my alternative fact: the battle of Agincourt took place on Wednesday the millionth of Bananatober, three weeks from now, on the moon.
Fine, here’s another fact. This is a deliberate ploy by the highest office in the developed world to discredit the media at every turn, and it sounds like the sort of thing a North Korean dictator would say, and we’re all screwed. Well, OK, fine, you’ve got me there.
Do say: “Facts are sacred.”
Don’t say: “But alternative facts are free.”